When I first became a parent, I had no idea how transformative play could be. I thought it was just something children did for fun...I didn’t realize it was WHERE they built the foundation for resilience, connection, and emotional growth - or how much it would end up transforming me, too.
“Using Playful Parenting, we can help children release all this emotion in ways that aren’t hurtful to others. We do this by just spending lots of time giggling together, but also with some specific techniques. To help children with fears, for example, it often helps to play as if you are the one who is scared, and really exaggerate it. Make sure they don’t feel mocked or humiliated. It helps if you don’t imitate them exactly, but just take the general idea and exaggerate it."
Now, I see play as something sacred: the space where children process their world, solve problems, and find their footing in life’s messy, beautiful terrain. Moreover, if we’re paying attention, play becomes a window into their hearts, showing us what they’re learning, what they’re struggling with, and how we can meet them where they are.
What Children Are Really Doing When They Play
One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned from mentors such as Dr. Lawrence Cohen, and through inspiring voices like Dr. Peter Gray in Dr. Laura Markham's Nurturing Minds Nurturing Hearts Summit, is that children’s play reflects what they’re working through in their lives. Whether they’re learning to navigate friendships, understand big emotions, or master new skills, play becomes their stage for practicing and exploring.
I clearly see this truth in my children, whether they're playing together or I'm playing with them. Let me explain ... for instance, during special time (a magical, child-led playtime where you set everything else aside and give your child your full, undivided attention) with my five-year-old, I see her world unfold, and I get to be a character in her production - she's the director! One day, she's crafting complex scenarios about how to approach a friend who doesn't want to play with her, and another day, she’s reenacting moments of frustration or fear. As we play, she experiments with different solutions, rehearses possibilities, exagerates actions and feelings, and makes sense of challenging or confusing experiences. She's so immersed in her exploration that she provides me with the lines to speak in character.
It happens instinctively and naturally ... play is her safe space - a place to explore without judgment, where her imagination softens life’s edges and helps her work through challenges in her own way and in her own time.
How Play Transformed My Parenting
But if I’m honest, play didn’t come easily to me at first. Parenting brought a heaviness I wasn’t prepared for - moments of overwhelm, worry, and resistance. In those hard moments, the idea of play felt impossible. I was too caught up in my own anxious thoughts to let go and meet my child in her world. Even when i tried, I found it difficult to unwind, loosen up, and truly be playful - unconsciously and fiercely protecting my wounded sense of self and dignity.
The turning point came when I began to look within - following Dr. Cohen's advice - I started to notice my inner resistance, not as an enemy to overcome, but as something to befriend. I began to soften toward myself, offering compassion where there had been judgment, and a gentle push out of my comfort zone where there had been resistance. Moreover, I found validation in therapy, in a listening partner, and a community of parents who reminded me I wasn’t alone...they helped me understand that my struggles didn’t mean I was failing, but that I was human. Slowly, I learned to meet my own inner world with kindness, and in doing so, I also opened myself up to play.
At first, it was a gentle push: when play felt boring or silly, I tried to shift my perspective and to see through my child’s eyes. That's when I found that on the other side was joy - pure, unfiltered joy. Play became a bridge back to connection, back to lightness, back to the kind of parent I wanted to be and that my children deserved.
The Transformative Power of Play in Connection and Problem-Solving
Play doesn’t just help children process their challenges, it can also help us, as parents, navigate tricky parenting moments. I remember, when my daughter started preschool in a German kindergarten last year, everything felt unfamiliar - the language, the routines, even the faces. During the day, she clung tightly to the comfort of familiar friendships, but this created its own challenges, especially when she needed to stay in her classroom or listen to her teacher’s guidance.
The teacher, while kind and respectful, was new and unfamiliar; my daighter felt resistance, avoidance, and frustration being in her presense. I could see she was struggling to feel safe in this new connection, even though we went through a two week adjustment period. It made so much sense!
One afternoon, out of the blue, I said to her, “Let’s pretend I’m Mrs. H, and you’re a student. What should we do?” While this proposal felt a bit risky because it was so close to home, and she could have refused to play, my daughter’s face lit up. For weeks, we played this pretend game, me exagerating the teaher's behavior, and her exploring scenarios, emotions, and possibilities; we even switched roles often - my daighter played the teacher while I took on the student role. In the safety of play, she began to process her feelings, experiment with interactions, and slowly build trust.
Over time, I watched her relationship with Mrs. H blossom. By the time the teacher moved on from the school, my daughter was heartbroken to say goodbye. She still misses her. Play had been the bridge - a gentle, powerful way to move from discomfort to connection.
Why I Protect My Kids’ Play Time
It’s moments like these that make me fiercely protective of my children’s unstructured playtime. In a world that constantly pushes for more lessons, more activities, more everything, I’ve chosen to embrace less and that works beautifully for our family.
I have also explained to my kids how essential this unstructured playtime is for their healthy development, and they seem understand it on a cellular level because it's during these quiet, imaginative moments that they grow in ways no structured activity could ever replicate.
Choosing to protect this space isn’t always easy in a society that values productivity over presence, but I trust deeply in its power; the freedom of play enables my children to discover their creativity, resilience, and joy. Therefore, my oldest plays soccer twice a week and occasionally has a game on Saturdays, while my youngest has 45 minutes of ballet and one 60 minute gymnastics class. That’s it!
All this to say: I don't think extracurriculars are bad - they can be wonderful. Nevertheless, I’ve seen how much my children thrive when they have space to just be ... to climb trees, make up games, and follow their curiosity wherever it leads, and to move at their own pace - free from the constant pull of structured schedules. I believe in the power of that freedom, and I want to give them as much of it as I can.
Dr. Peter Gray speaks to this beautifully, highlighting how unstructured play is essential for mental health because it helps children build confidence, solve problems, and develop resilience. When they are free to play, they learn to navigate the world on their own terms. When we over-schedule, we take that opportunity away.
An Invitation to Play—and Connect
As the holiday season approaches, I know how easy it is to get caught up in the busyness. But I also know how grounding and joyful it can be to pause, breathe, and simply play with our kids.
That’s why I’m inviting you to join me this December for a free 5-Day Playfulness Challenge from December 16th to December 20. Each day, we’ll explore simple, meaningful ways to bring more play into your parenting - whether it’s observing your child’s free play, using play to solve a problem, or reconnecting through silliness.
Are you ready? Click here to sign up for the 5-Day Playfulness Challenge Let’s laugh, learn, and grow together this holiday season.
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