Prioritizing the Relationship: My North Star in Parenting

There was a time when I was just trying to parent the best I could...reacting in the moment, trying to hold it all together, hoping I wasn’t messing it up too badly. I didn’t have a clear direction back then. I wanted to be a good parent, but I didn’t really know what that meant. I was responding from a mix of instinct, urgency, and a quiet fear that I wasn’t doing enough.

And then, slowly, something shifted. Through books, mentors, and my own experiences...especially the hard ones—I found a clarity that changed everything: The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is relationship. That realization landed in me like a deep breath. Something to return to. Something I could trust. When I began to truly prioritize the relationship with my children, instead of trying to get it all “right,” things started to make more sense. My choices felt more aligned. The pressure eased a bit...not because parenting got easier, but because I wasn’t aiming for constant compliance or calm. I was aiming for connection.

A mom holding hands with her children, walking through fields.

What Does It Mean?

Prioritizing the relationship doesn’t mean letting go of values like resilience, emotional strength, or independence. It just means understanding that those things grow in relationship. They don’t need to be forced. They don’t need to be earned. They need safety, attunement, and presence to root themselves and blossom. And when I started asking myself, What kind of relationship do I want to build with my child? (not just now, but over a lifetime) it gave me direction. It helped me parent not from reactivity, but from intention. It helped me show up more often with love and boundaries, compassion and clarity.

But I want to say this too ... it’s hard!!! It’s so hard sometimes! Because many of us weren’t raised in homes where the relationship came first. We were taught to perform, to behave, to earn approval in order to feel safe. We learned to quiet our needs and shape-shift into the version of ourselves that felt most acceptable to the adults around us. And now, as parents, we’re doing something brave ... we’re trying to offer what we never fully received. That’s no small thing. It’s tender, courageous work. No wonder it feels like such a stretch some days.

Gaining Clarity

What’s helped me is understanding the science behind it all. Learning about attachment theory, nervous system states, and interpersonal neurobiology has given me a language for what I’ve always felt deep down: that our need to belong is wired into us, and that relationships are the foundation of everything. The more I learn, the more I come back to this truth: if I want to raise children who are emotionally healthy, confident, and connected, I need to model what it means to be in a safe and respectful relationship. Not perfect. Just safe enough. Real enough. Human enough.

And as I reflect on all of this, I feel a tender need to speak about my own parents. I know they did the best they could with what they had, and I’m deeply grateful for them. This work I’m doing now, it’s not about blaming them or pointing fingers! It’s about holding compassion for the legacies they carried, too. They didn’t have the resources I have now. And just as I’m doing the best I can with my children, I know my children may one day grow in ways I can’t imagine. That thought doesn’t scare me. It actually gives me hope. It means healing continues.

The North Star

This is what peaceful parenting has given me: a North Star, rather than a checklist . A clear sense of what matters most. It has helped me take better care of myself, so I can show up more fully for my children. It’s helped me create a home where feelings are welcomed, repair is possible, and love isn’t a reward ... it’s a given.

I don’t always get it right.

I still lose my way.

But I return.

Again and again, I return to the relationship.

That is the culture I want to create in my home. That is the story I want to tell with my parenting. One where the relationship is held with reverence. One where connection isn’t sacrificed for control. One where everyone has room to be human and still belong.

And maybe that’s where it starts ... with choosing the relationship as our North Star. Letting it guide us, gently and bravely, toward something more beautiful than perfect: something real, rooted, and deeply alive.

A gentle invitation to reflection for you:

What kind of culture are you creating in your home?What values are you living in your day-to-day connection with your child?What kind of relationship do you want to have with your child...not just now, but when they’re grown?

And one question I return to often, from the world of attachment research:How do I want my child to remember what it felt like to be raised by me?

Let that question be your compass, not as pressure, but as a quiet invitation ... to lead with love, to grow with awareness, and to keep choosing the relationship, again and again.

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I share stories, insights, and gentle guidance to support you on your parenting journey—always grounded in compassion, connection, and presence.

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