How Love Can Calm Anger and Fear in Parenting
Have you ever felt caught in an emotional storm with your child, the kind where anger or fear wells up, and it feels like you’re swept away from the parent you want to be? Those moments can feel so heavy. But what if love - love for ourselves, love for our children - could help us find calm within the storm?
A few months ago, my 5-year-old daughter watched Frozen for the first time, and Elsa has been her hero ever since. As we watched together, I found myself relating deeply to Elsa’s journey, her struggle to balance intense emotions while staying connected to those she loves. It’s a theme that resonates, especially for us parents who feel so much and try so hard to show up with love.
One moment struck me powerfully. Elsa is running away, completely overwhelmed, and she says, “No one will ever see me cry.” She’s pushing down her fear, her sadness, even her tears. And in doing that, she doesn’t make the feelings go away - they grow, becoming bigger and fiercer, until her anger finally erupts. My nine year old son noticed it too, commenting on how Elsa’s decision to hide her emotions led her anger to become almost destructive, even hurting her sister. It was such a poignant reminder that, as parents, when we push aside our own sadness or fear, those feelings don’t just disappear - they intensify, sometimes coming out in ways that can strain our relationships.
My mentor, Dr. Lawrence Cohen, uses a simple metaphor for this. He says that when we send emotions we don’t want to feel “to the basement,” they don’t vanish; they go to a kind of emotional gym, getting stronger until they burst out when we least expect. To truly calm our inner storms, we have to acknowledge and welcome those uncomfortable emotions, letting them breathe rather than forcing them away.
Moving from Reactivity to Presence
When emotions run high, our bodies often jump into “fight or flight” mode, and we react instinctively, sometimes regretting our words or actions later. But by bringing movement or gentle touch into the moment - like shaking on purpose, placing a hand on our heart or taking a slow, deep breath - we can find a way back to balance. This simple practice helps us reset our nervous systems, grounding us so we can choose how we want to respond rather than reacting automatically.
I’ve learned that when I take a moment to pause, to breathe, and be on my own side for a bit, I can meet myself with love rather than judgment. It’s a small, powerful way to widen my “window of tolerance,” that space where I can handle stress without losing my connection to myself or to my child.
Befriending Our Emotions with Love and Curiosity
Like Elsa, we might feel the urge to push down uncomfortable emotions, hoping they’ll disappear. But when we approach our sadness, our anger, or our fear with curiosity and love, we make space for these emotions to exist without overpowering us. Sometimes, this means journaling or talking with a friend who listens without trying to “fix” things. Other times, it’s connecting with a coach or therapist who sees our strengths even in our unskillful moments.
With this practice, we teach ourselves that it’s okay to feel, and we show up more compassionately in our relationships. Just as Elsa’s icy world melts into spring when she finally allows love to reach her, we too can bring a gentler season into our inner lives when we welcome our own emotions. It’s a gift we give not only to ourselves but to our children, showing them that emotions aren’t something to fear but something to understand and befriend.
Taking the Next Step
Parenting is a journey, and every small effort we make to approach it with compassion and resilience matters. If Elsa’s story resonates with you, or if you’re looking for ways to navigate challenging emotions with more ease, try inviting a little more love and presence into those difficult moments.
Ready to take the next step?
Download my free Anger Map to help you pause, reflect, and create a sense of connection during intense moments.
I’d also love to hear your thoughts! Share your insights or experiences with handling big emotions in the comments below. How do you bring compassion into your own parenting journey?
Let's support each other on this path to mindful and connected parenting.
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